Things never change

So, I am sitting here writing this, realizing once again, I never update this thing unless something has pushed me over the edge. I feel like a helpless little girl, that is being beaten down until she can't stand without the support of that other person. I have never been the girl to tolerate such mean no vileness. I am to the point where it is getting worse and worse and I have lost complete control. I never would have imagined someone be so mean and cruel. Screaming in someone's face, and terrifying them is beyond okay. Continuing to do it over and over again, and threatening to throw their thingies out is borderline crazy. The help that he is getting is clearly not enough, and I am the only one that sees him for who he really is, and if he doesn't stop, no one is ever going to want to be with him.

Therapy

I've said multiple times that I was going to use this blog more to get my feelings out, and I almost feel like, maybe I failed myself with that. I should take time to write here. I should take time to get my feelings out more often, because no one has my true feelings. No one really understands what I am going to, I mean, hell, I hardly know what I am feeling, my emotions like always, are all over the place. I don't know what to think, but I think that is okay. This is the first time in my life that I am just okay riding the wave and letting it take me where I need to go. Boys, friends, life....there is just so much going on. I hate that everyone is so judgmental on what I am doing with my life right now, and I think for the most part, it's because they don't understand, but it's not their situation to understand. I like how things are currently, I don't know what I want for the future. I mean, yes, eventually I want to be in a relationship where I am in love, and have a future with someone, but am I to that point right now? No, not at all. I have my own issues that I still need to work out. I have a lot of things I need to work out.....For some reason, I am just helping everyone else with their problems, why is that? I say over and over again, you need to put yourself first, and care for yourself first, and I am not doing that at all. I don't even know if I am capable of loving someone again. I don't even know where to go with this first blog, I could write for days and days, but I will stick to trying to update this at least once a week.

A new year?

So, I thought I would come into this new year with a new look on life, and leave all of my things in the past. Well, that never happens, does it? Things that hurt you always come back to haunt you, and things you can't look past, keep coming up. I seem to keep having the same problems year after year. Boy drama, friend drama, no work drama though. I am so tired of the shady guys in my life, and I have almost hit my breaking point with that. I am tired of guys pursing me that have wives, or girlfriends, or are committed, I don't need that anymore. I don't understand why they target me, and why they can't just be happy that someone loves them? I'd give anything for that, and they just want to fuck over the one person that cares more about them then anyone else, way to go. As far as friends, that is another story, and I am sure a lot more blog posts about it. I am tired of being pushed aside, so that other people can feel happy, and then, when I voice my feelings about the situation, be punished for it basically. I can not do anything right, if I want to talk about it, I get bitched at for being dramatic, but I am honestly just trying to get my feelings about the situation out there. Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I am tired of lying, don't lie to me, I will catch you in the lie, I will feel betrayed by you lying, and it will be hard for me to trust you again. Stop the bullshit and everything could be fine. Please, 2011, bring something new, and not in the form of more ridiculous stuff.

Another day, same crap

So, I have realized that the boys in my life are so complicating, and I think I have a major problem, because that makes me stay even longer. I deal with shit from this one boy I have been seeing, and I really like him, but he is so much trouble, I feel like I have to deal with stuff I never would before. I hate when people are flaky about plans, and he totally is one of those people, he will blow me off, unless there is nothing better going on, and there is my red flag, so why am I not going away? I think Ivan has given me such a complex, that I secretly and so afraid of getting hurt, so I stick around for the guys that treat me like shit, and I don't expect anything so this way I don't get hurt, but I am getting hurt by what he is doing. I feel so unwanted, and the thing is, I have a few other guys "after me", but that's not what I want, I don't want to surround myself with guys, I don't need their approval, I don't need them to like me, I just want him to like me! So, mark my words, from this moment on, I am done trying with him, if something happens, it happens, I am not rushing things, and I am not getting upset if I don't get my way. If he wants to hang out, or whatever, he will make the effort..I just hope he does...

Using this more

So, I have decided that using this blog is probably going to help me a lot with my emotions and over reacting and handling situations better. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions lately, well, since the whole Ivan thing. It just seems to be getting worse lately, I have been more moody, and I seem more unhappy with my life. I am happy being alone, not dating anyone, which is great, but, I do want to date someone, I like someone a lot, and there are a lot of strings attached to the situation, and I know I would get hurt, so it's almost to the point where it's not worth my feelings being hurt, and not worth me being hurt. I guess sometimes liking someone, and seeing the red flag, is good now, then before I get myself invested, like I did before. I feel so uneasy about my life, I like my job, which is a first, but I hate my personal life. My friends suck, like really suck, to the point where it makes me so depressed that I allow them to suck the life out of me, but the only reason I sick around is because it's convenient and they are fun to hang out with, I just can't trust them with things, I can't tell them about my life, it's so one-sided, I feel like all they want to do is talk about their problems, and only want to do what they want, which I guess is karma, because Ivan said that's all I did, things that I wanted. I am done doing it though. I am tired of feeling like a burden, I am tired of feeling like I am inconveniencing them. I am only worrying about my feelings now. I have so much to write in here, and I am going to update it more often, my good way of venting :)

Life goes on...

Wow, I feel just so indifferent at the moment. I have so many random thoughts going through my head, and it's probably just because I brought up the past by reading old aol conversations with Ivan, and Nick, and some other people, and it just brought up a lot. I feel like I still have all of these mixed emotions with Nick, and even after all this time, I am so drawn to him, it's so weird, I mean, he was my first true love, but that doesn't mean I should go back to him, but just reading about how hard it was to get over him, just made me sick to my stomach. We have been talking a lot lately, and it's almost like he didn't move, but he did, and he made those decisions without discussing them with me, and it's just a lot to even process right now, I have no idea why I keep going back to guys that have hurt me the most. Boys suck, but so do my emotions! I just like being free I guess right now, going to the bar, hanging out, doing what I want, not listening to anyone else but myself, it's nice. I mean, sure I miss having someone to love and tell everything to, but that's what my best friends are for!

Lammeeee

So, I found out last night that my douche ex boyfriend posted a man seeking woman ad on craigslist...Here goes...

"Attractive young man - m4w

Basically I miss having sex and laying in bed with someone. The monstrosity that is valentine's day is making me think about it even more.
I'm a smoker and i'm d/d free other than nicotine. I can be described as tall, dark, and handsome.

I'm up for pretty much whatever, between 18 and 45 and be in reasonable shape is all i ask. Oh and d/d free. smoking is fine.
Just email me. Including a picture would also be nice. "

Really? How desperate do you have to be to post a sex ad on craigslist when you are fucking 20! So, this may be a bitchy move, but I am sickened by it! Get a life, go out and meet people, not that hard!