When will it all end?
It's been a week. A horrible week. I am heartbroken, I am sick, everything just keeps happening. My uncle died on Saturday. He had brain cancer, and just couldn't hold on anymore. I haven't even really registered his death yet. My mom is a mess, and the worst thing is that can't be there for her. I am so consumed in my own thoughts, my own well-being, that I can't be there for her. They are leaving tomorrow for his funeral, so I get to be alone on Christmas. Yay me. :( I want this year to go away, I want this feeling to go away. I want to be me, I want to be with him still. I know it's not going to happen. He needs to be alone, and he couldn't be with me anymore. So basically, he stopped loving me, even though he says he hasn't. He was just unhappy with the relationship, which granted, I was mean a lot, and we only need things I wanted. I regret it, and I wish he would just try, try again. He is worried for me. I haven't been eating, I am really weak, I tried to, and I just threw it up. I sleep with his blanket, all I do is think of him. I told him that I wished it was me that died. My uncle had his wife, he was so in love with her, I don't have that, but I wish I did. I was listening to her on the phone, it was depressing. She doesn't know what to do without him. He's gone forever, who knows when she will see him again? I think to myself, she has been with him since she was like 20, so almost 40 years, she got to grow with him, find who she was, they had a lot of ups and downs, and they stuck together. I look at my relationship, I don't get that. Maybe that's why I am so upset? I don't get to have 40 years of growing with him, I don't get to find out who I am with him. Sure we had ups and downs, and downs recently, but love is about growing, and working, nothing in life comes easy, and I am just sad he couldn't see himself with me. Because that's all I see. I only see myself with him. He is my soul mate. I just wish I was his :( He told me the other night that he missed me, and I asked if he missed me then why still be apart, and he said he just couldn't do it. I don't know what changed, and why he couldn't talk to me about it, it's so painful to not even be able to change this. I would do anything. Everything bad keeps happening, just one thing after another, even if it's small, it's still breaking me. I just want it done. I have been trying to find things to watch on tv, do you know how hard that is? I am not watching Christmas movies, I can't watch anything that reminds me of him.....I just hate my life right now, and yeah ok "Life will get better" I am so sick of hearing that. Sure, it might, but that's not helping me now. I am miserable, my life is not getting any better. I just need something, I need help :(
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