Life goes on...

Wow, I feel just so indifferent at the moment. I have so many random thoughts going through my head, and it's probably just because I brought up the past by reading old aol conversations with Ivan, and Nick, and some other people, and it just brought up a lot. I feel like I still have all of these mixed emotions with Nick, and even after all this time, I am so drawn to him, it's so weird, I mean, he was my first true love, but that doesn't mean I should go back to him, but just reading about how hard it was to get over him, just made me sick to my stomach. We have been talking a lot lately, and it's almost like he didn't move, but he did, and he made those decisions without discussing them with me, and it's just a lot to even process right now, I have no idea why I keep going back to guys that have hurt me the most. Boys suck, but so do my emotions! I just like being free I guess right now, going to the bar, hanging out, doing what I want, not listening to anyone else but myself, it's nice. I mean, sure I miss having someone to love and tell everything to, but that's what my best friends are for!

Lammeeee

So, I found out last night that my douche ex boyfriend posted a man seeking woman ad on craigslist...Here goes...

"Attractive young man - m4w

Basically I miss having sex and laying in bed with someone. The monstrosity that is valentine's day is making me think about it even more.
I'm a smoker and i'm d/d free other than nicotine. I can be described as tall, dark, and handsome.

I'm up for pretty much whatever, between 18 and 45 and be in reasonable shape is all i ask. Oh and d/d free. smoking is fine.
Just email me. Including a picture would also be nice. "

Really? How desperate do you have to be to post a sex ad on craigslist when you are fucking 20! So, this may be a bitchy move, but I am sickened by it! Get a life, go out and meet people, not that hard!

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

What song he should give to me, how am I kidding, and why am I STILL wasting time about this? I just have some bad days when I think about all of the memories, and then the lies, and then everything, but I still miss him....I always will, no matter how many people I date, or whatever, I am always going to miss him, and it sickens me.

You're Not Sorry

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around


You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade
So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before

So I have been looking for the perfect song to describe everything, I think this song comes close. Well semi-close, because let's face it, Ivan could never be man enough to admit he was wrong and was sorry. That would NEVER happen. I fell for everything he said to me, all the lies, and I delt with all of the pain, and all of the fights, because I loved him so much. All of his secrets, people that were supposed to be my "friends" knew things, and couldn't tell me. He changed, he used to have so much love in him, and we never fought, and he changed, nothing would have ever been the same anyway. Too many things happened. I sometimes think back on our relationship, and I miss things, but I miss things that were fake, and nothing about our relationship was true, except my feelings for him. I wish I had that guy back, I wish some things could be different, I wish he didn't have such poisionous friends in his life that brainwashed him. I wish I had some of the stuff back I gave him, the stuffed animals and such. He probably threw them out. He had so many problems though, so many, and he couldn't get over the fact that I had been with my share of guys and made me feel bad about it, I felt like I had to apologize for who I was, and for the person I was, and I just always felt bad, well not anymore honey. I am living my life, and I won't apologize for who I am, or what I have done before. I am a grown up, if I want to sleep with someone, then that's between me and that person, it's not anyone else's business. Sure I am seeing some people right now, but I am almost 23, I can do whatever, and I won't feel bad about that. So screw your judgement, this is the first time I am living my life and not caring what anyone else thinks.